With Tara in the psych. unit, Laurel passed out on the living room floor, and
Caryne and I stoned out of our minds, the night that sculpted the landscape of my life took shape.
We decided to head out for a ride by the lake. It was late summer and the night air was warm and humid. The type of night that is just right after a blistering summer day. The smell of fresh cut grass hung in the air and tickled my sensitive nose and made my eyes red and swollen. It was perfect for hiding signs of illicit drug usage. Being a nursing student, one would expect me to abstain from those practices, but as I found out, nurses seem to be the heaviest
partiers. Maybe that Pharmacology class gave us a false sense of entitlement to experimentation. Maybe we just studied so hard that we wanted to play equally so. Who knows. The amount of cocaine,
xanax, alcohol, and methadone that I consumed during my nursing school days would have been ample to have killed a rancher's stock of horses.
With my buzz on full speed, sitting in my car under a glorious moon reflecting on a dead of night lake,
Caryne leaned over and kissed me. It was the kiss to end all kisses. My head spun like no other time and my toes curled. My hands trembled so much that I didn't know if I was having a seizure or not.
We talked and commiserated on how unhappy we were with our partners and how happy we'd be if only...
The moon became more distant and daylight began to seep in so we pulled ourselves apart and headed home. Home to... Oh no! Laurel! Laurel was there and we had left and she was going to be pissed! What had we done? We held hands on the way home and decided that when we got there we were going to tell her everything. We'd tell her that we think we are in love. That we want to try to make a life together. Later we'd go to the hospital and I'd tell Tara.
It sounded so easy. So smooth. It wasn't.
But we got past the drama of it all and we did make a life together. We were happy and blissful for awhile. We spent the next two years getting to know each other and experimenting more and more with new things like IV cocaine, IV
Valium, and mushrooms.
When I fished nursing school in June of 2001,
Caryne announced that she wanted to move home to California. She wanted to be closer to her dad. I was happy to go and within two months we had moved from Nashville, Tennessee all the way to Davis, California, just outside of Sacramento. The trip was a blast. Max, my kitty rode with us and occasionally got out on his leash to walk on Route 66. We made special stops to take photos of cools spots like standing on the corner in Winslow, Arizona, just like in the Eagles' song! Max was the best car traveling kitty I've ever met.
We made fast friends with our boss, Kelly who was looking for a new apartment. We found out that her husband was recently arrested on charges of manufacturing
methamphetamine, although she denied any knowledge of it. We introduced her to our landlord and she became our neighbor. She liked to drink and we often spent time together, the three of us. We took trips together to San Francisco and Lake Tahoe. We took Kelly to her first gay bar.
It was at her house that
Caryne, on New Year's Eve, in front of all of our new friends and co-workers, got down on bended knee and proposed to me with flowers, ring, the whole
shebang! She even coordinated it so as to have "our song" playing when it happened. To this day, if I hear Dido's Thank You, I want to puke.
A few short weeks later I was in Laurel's position, being told that they were in love and wanting to make a life together. They just couldn't help it: it was meant to be.
I did the typical dyke thing and broke furniture. I threw lamps and chairs. I demolished a TV. I ripped up clothes and screamed like a mad woman. I broke down.
I had moved away from my family and friends to support her decision. I had broken ties with my family over the situation. They were so mad at me we hadn't spoken in months by this point. I was in a strange city. In a strange state which had revoked my driving
privileges due to my
epilepsy (something that Tennessee would never have done unless I had caused an accident) and with September 11
th having just happened the world was such an unsteady and scary place.
Now this. I didn't know which way to turn.
My mother called me on one
particularly tough day. I was laying in bed crying after having had an altercation with
Caryne and Kelly in the parking lot. It was difficult to have my partner move in next door with her new lover. Having to see them in the parking lot, holding hands, laughing, kissing. They could have kept that out of my sight! The phone rang and it was my mother, I don't remember what she said
exactly, only that she was yelling at me for hurting her and my father's feelings and that if only I could find Jesus... " FUCK YOU!" I screamed and hung up on her. She didn't call back.
Eventually, on April Fool's Day I packed what I could fit in the car and moved home to Tennessee and stayed with some old friends. Caryne had told me " You'll never leave here and me" I loved that I did it on April Fool's Day. I felt that it was somehow saying HA HA to her.
I crashed with my friends for a while and got a shitty job. I stayed really messed up for a long time. My addictions became more apparent, to my friends and to me, and so I entered rehab for the third time in my life. The first and second were both in 1997, this time I was in much worse shape. I honestly thought I might die from the detox. I honestly hoped I would.
I emerged from the whole experience a renewed and
rejuvenated person with a fresh perspective on life. I still hadn't spoken with my parents, and still didn't want to.
I wish I could say that my life was perfect after that, but it wasn't. I continued to party and be a slacker. I never went back to being a nurse. I don't think I ever will. I did eventually make my way into a healthier state of mind and living. I learned that karma catches up with you. I learned to do unto others as I would have done.
I made
amends. I gave up the heavy party persona.
A couple of years ago, Laurel called me and told me that Caryne had been in a car wreck. She was driving home from work one night and ran off the road. She broke her back and both of her legs. She was paralyzed from the waist down. She thought I'd want to know.
I did, I'd have never wished such a fate to befall her of all people. I loved Caryne more passionately than I had known was ever possible. But I abstained from calling her to extend any wishes of recovery or goodwill. For my own well being I thought it best to wish her well via Laurel.
I looked her up once on myspace and found photos of her in a wheelchair. She had posted pictures of herself in the hospital just after the accident too. I guess Laurel wasn't lying.
I hope Caryne has learned about karma and I hope that she can find her happiness before her life closes. I wish for her sake and for those around her that she didn't have to take such a difficult and serpentine path in this world, but I had to move on with my own.
Someone asked me to elaborate on this story for them. I know my storytelling, and I know that in verbally telling it, I tend to get stuck on small details and talk forever about irrelevant nothings. I forget to move forward with the rest of the story. That is why it is here. If you've read this I hope it didn't bore you to tears.
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